must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea

It's raining again. It was raining last night, and it would alternate between a torrential downpour, to a drizzle that you could barely feel. Funny how the weather can be so similar to human emotion. We feel waves of something that crashes into our heads and on our hearts and makes us feel too much too fast, but then it subsides, and all of a sudden, it's numb, and we're okay. It works with happiness and sadness and extremes of all sorts.

My procrastination has definitely gotten worse. I decided to do track this spring, and it exhausts me. I have a goal to reach though, and I'm determined to get there. I have people to prove wrong. And I'll do what it takes to do so.

I'm trying to finish reading Please Don't Kill the Freshmen, but it's not working. It's poignantly written, and it's inspirational, but I just can't seem to finish it. I'm on page 229 of the 309 page novel, and I am positive I can finish it by tomorrow, but I keep getting distracted. Tonight is a party for a friend, an extremely belated birthday party.

Speaking of poignant, I read an amazing passage in Peter Cameron's Someday this Pain will be useful to You, and it so perfectly expressed one of my most intricate fears:

"...the randomness of everything. That the people who could be important to you might just pass you by. Or you pass them by. How did you know?...Life is full of these tragic incongruities."

My mom bought bread with raisins in it, and it's not cinnamon raisin bread, so I have to pick out the raisins and the crumbs get everywhere.

So I was talking to a friend, and we were being negative. And it was alright to be negative because sometimes you just need to be. And we were talking about the shallowness that everyone is bound to have because if you didn't care at all you're probably a saint and what are the chances of there being any saints just walking around these days?

I don't like rainy days, it's as if the rain washes away my clarity, at the same time it cleanses the earth. It seems to muddle my thoughts, blurring and blending them into one another until I can't tell one from the other, and I can't tell where one thought begins and another ends, and I'm not quite sure of anything.

Right now all my thoughts are so scattered, and I have so much to do for school, most of which I should probably be doing right this moment. I've got to research censorship for English. I've got to construct some mundane DBQ for history, and I've got to teach myself about the pH of buffers vs. the pH=pKa and whatever the hell else we're supposed to know by now, and all the important everything's that are crucial to passing the test in May. I have to get more sleep and run and do so much. I have to finish reading this book and I have to become more ambitious and focused.

And then I was thinking this morning, out of nowhere, about babies. And I was thinking about the sound they make when you feed them, that weird gurgling-slash-swallowing sound. And for some reason, I had this epiphany thing and it was like I understood why people have children, and then I realized that it was about eight in the morning, and that it was Saturday morning, and that I had absolutely no reason to be awake.

"How long does it take to heat butter?"
"Ten seconds."

for once maybe i could

keep this up?
I want to be a writer.
I love being inspired at random times by books.
Right now, I'm reading the third book of the Gemma Doyle trilogy by Libba Bray. And I just accidentally read a spoiler even though I already guessed it based on my horrible habit of skimming. I'm sure that lots of people know what I'm talking about, when you flip through the book looking for the good parts. Yeah. Well, anyway, I already know this book is going to be sad and I'm sure it'll be bittersweet and I'll actually really like it and deny all the bad parts like I did with Harry Potter. It's in my nature. Oh well, besides that, I haven't really gotten anything done at all. I've been trying to teach myself kinetics, to no avail. I still have absolutely no idea what the difference is between first-order and second-order. Like the whole ln[A] vs. 1/ln[A].. Yeah I don't know what the fuck those things are.


Writers are always eccentric.
I feel like I'm eccentric. Maybe I could be a writer.

Stupidity doesn't suit you.

Okay, remember back in elementary school when the determining factor for who was your best friend was a sticker from a school apple? Those ones that advertise the farm from which the fruit originated, the ones that you gave to your best friend of the day, week, etc. Fickle we are, at that age especially.

But the thing is, we don't really ever grow out of that--especially girls. Well, at least, not when we reach high school. High school adolescents, for all our talk of independence, our insistence that we are old enough to do insert-here, we still manage to retain a sense of juvenile possessiveness for certain things, like our friends. Oh well, whatever.

There are things that the internet is actually neither the time nor the place to say, surprise surprise.

eg. Nothing to do?

I'm at Johnny's house, and his four friends are here being retarded. They are all relatively dirty looking and at the same time, really hilarious and typical guy-ish. Anyway, there's not much going on, and I think I'm going to read crappy inaccurate tabloids and wonder if I'll ever end up in one.

in the midst of midterm week.

So far, the Spanish midterm is done. One-half of the APC midterm is done. The APW midterm is done. The math midterm is DONE. My next one is English. Blahh. Oh well, that's not until next week, so it's all good.

I went to see 27 Dresses with my mom today. My dad and sister went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. 27 Dresses was basically like junk food--empty calories, but so good. It was predictable, the plot was easily recognizable, but it was cute anyway. A chick flick for sure, and Katherine Heigl + James Marsden had good chemistry. I think I'm going to get the DVD when it comes out, because it was very Wedding Date-esque, honestly very heartwarming. Speaking of Wedding Date, there's an illegally burned copy of it somewhere in this house, and I suddenly want to find it and watch it.

i started a fire for you... and now the whole world's on fire.

i think.. i do this too easily.


By the way, this is about to be an insecure pointless little vent.


























is this an asian thing?
to move on from one guy, get over it for a while, and then do it again with a different guy? Anyway, i wish people would just tell me straight up why. None of this overrated excuse business. i am chock full of insecurity and i'm like my ANALytical English teacher x 2000 with this stuff. I overthink EVERYTHING. I delve so deep into it that I drown myself in a deep sea of anxiety and what if's and paranoid reasoning. Kind of. I know all of those things people say and how you're not supposed to go looking for it it's supposed to find you, etcetera, but i can't help it. and i know that i've made others feel like this before, in this unrequited position, but it really is very sucky. and i don't know what to make of it, or what to do with this one. another one. there's always one, isn't there? i just wonder what it would like to have it work out, what all the shouting is about, and i really would just like to be part of something like insanely awesome amazing tingly warm cool. that would be fantastic. and i want to feel pretty. i'm so sick of my inferiority complexes with just about everyone and i just can't stand it, i know all about how you're supposed to think you're beautiful so other people can think so too but i don't know how because everything gets to me. absolutely every little comment. i'm so sick of it i want to be the one that exudes confidence, but how can i? there's too many fucking pretty girls and it just heightens competition to impossible to meet levels. idk how to deal. idk how to over come this and i dont know how the fuck i'm going to do good on my midterms. any of them. except maybe like.. english.

WIZARD!

This morning, I went tiara/dress-fitting with Kimmi and her mom. It was very fun, and inspirational. I went home with many ideas and gave my mom a fright because expenses for that kind of thing are bound to be high. Then, went to see Juno. It was really good in a calm way. Like, there was no loud, seat-jumping conflict, but there was subtle drama here and there, and, the best way I can think of to describe it was "artfully pieced together".

Then, we went to Pete's and played True Colors. It wasn't revealing in any sort of scandalous way, just good plain fun. All in all, it was a good night.