you say you need to find yourself.

i feel deeply, inexplicably sad.
i should be happy on all accounts.
i have a family, friends, and a job that is easy and pays decently enough.
i have a roof over my head, clothes on my back,
and still i feel sad.
i feel a void that i can't fill with books or shopping or food or television or even romantic comedies.
i feel a melancholy which reaches around my content and squeezes my heart.


i feel sad. because
...

this is not enough.
"think" is not enough.
i want "know."

EDIT:

I love the summertime. I am enamored by the scent of fresh cut grass, the heady lingering smell of the light sheen of sweat on the body, the subtle combination of chlorine and human skin, the scent that the hair takes on after it has been washed too often with too harsh of a shampoo. I love the quiet, the silence, the uncomfortable feeling of being too hot, the relief of air conditioning, the chill that the air conditioning brings which can only be cured by a light sweater. I love the color of skin after a day at the beach, the warmth that radiates off of the shoulders, the smell of the beach itself.

I love the summer nights, long hours spent doing whatever, staying up until the next morning, simply because there is no reason to wake up. But sometimes I hate it. I hate the nothing because it overcomes my senses and it takes me under into a state of constant purgatory between happiness and despair. I have too much room to think and my thoughts flow in without a dam to control the current. My mind swells with too many things at the same time and I am suddenly in this sea of PATHOS.

And in this sea, I have suddenly forgotten how to swim.