It's giving him a lot of credit, most of which is not appropriate, but honestly I feel like he's a drug to me. At this point, I am addicted to this situation. Or not even the situation. i don't know. It's just something that I need to get away from, but I can't bring myself to take the necessary steps now since it's so, so close to when I'm going to be leaving anyway....
I'm willing to do this long-distance thing though, but he's just so... aloof about it all. I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't think I ever will. That's not what I want at all, but I'm settling for it, which is really bad. I keep saying that this is bad, and this is unhealthy, but just like a smoker, I continue to do it for that brief moments when I remember why I put myself through this. Not that there's even a clear cut reason, but just like nicotine, you get that brief stimulation, and then it keeps you hooked. Or at least, interested enough to keep buying $10 packs....
In any case, it's been over a year now. I'm sick of this. Actually, by this time last year, I was over it. I was onto the next one. Or maybe I was back to it. I don't know. Either way, trying to quit cold turkey isn't happening.
My dad told me the other day, "You don't find a husband, you meet him."
I get that. I believe that. Now I'm trying to heed it.
.... I don't know where to begin. I truly don't. I have no idea how, why, or what.
Maybe that's a good thing. Considering this child is single-handedly driving me crazy, and he's not even technically anything to me. Just something that can't quite be labelled. I mean, saying that "it's complicated" seems like an understatement to me. Can you really call something that you've been chasing/standing still with.. "Complicated?" It's futile, slightly pathetic, and almost a little desperate, but when you can't.. First of all, if anyone ever sang/recited to me any slight variation on Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are," I would melt...
