i laugh myself to sleep

As stupid as it may sound, and as cliche, and as pathetic, it scares me how much I like this kid. Not talking to him makes me physically anxious. I can't calm down unless I talk to him. The thought of him talking to other girls makes me jealous, and it drives me insane that he can affect me this way, when I don't think he really feels much of anything at all. I mean, he must feel SOMETHING, but I'm positive it doesn't make him fucking sick when he doesn't talk to me.

It's giving him a lot of credit, most of which is not appropriate, but honestly I feel like he's a drug to me. At this point, I am addicted to this situation. Or not even the situation. i don't know. It's just something that I need to get away from, but I can't bring myself to take the necessary steps now since it's so, so close to when I'm going to be leaving anyway....

I'm willing to do this long-distance thing though, but he's just so... aloof about it all. I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't think I ever will. That's not what I want at all, but I'm settling for it, which is really bad. I keep saying that this is bad, and this is unhealthy, but just like a smoker, I continue to do it for that brief moments when I remember why I put myself through this. Not that there's even a clear cut reason, but just like nicotine, you get that brief stimulation, and then it keeps you hooked. Or at least, interested enough to keep buying $10 packs....

In any case, it's been over a year now. I'm sick of this. Actually, by this time last year, I was over it. I was onto the next one. Or maybe I was back to it. I don't know. Either way, trying to quit cold turkey isn't happening.

My dad told me the other day, "You don't find a husband, you meet him."

I get that. I believe that. Now I'm trying to heed it.

.... I don't know where to begin. I truly don't. I have no idea how, why, or what.

Maybe that's a good thing. Considering this child is single-handedly driving me crazy, and he's not even technically anything to me. Just something that can't quite be labelled. I mean, saying that "it's complicated" seems like an understatement to me. Can you really call something that you've been chasing/standing still with.. "Complicated?" It's futile, slightly pathetic, and almost a little desperate, but when you can't.. First of all, if anyone ever sang/recited to me any slight variation on Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are," I would melt...

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Anyone who blogs is secretly hoping somebody will read the pieces of their lives and feel something. Shameless confession: I'm definitely one of those people. I don't sit here hoping that my computer screen will flash wisdom at me. The difference between a virtual journal and a paper journal is that you're expecting an answer from the former. Unless of course, it's Tom Riddle's journal. More on my HP fever later.

So.. basically, I came here to escape. It's one thing to write with this subconscious intent of having people, or at least a specific person, see what you have to say (usually about them), but it's another in knowing that people you see IN REAL LIFE might see what you're saying, especially if it's about them. Make sense? I don't know. It's a rhetorical question that I am posing to no one.

I've always maintained the idea that I am content with my life. I am. I am thankful for all that I have, and I cannot say that enough. I truly appreciate my family, my friends, and my health. However, when it comes to romance, I am shamelessly unsatisfied.

Here's the thing: I've fucked up before. I have regrets. It's human. I don't believe anyone who says he or she does not have regrets. Either you're lying, or you're extraordinarily lucky, and the thing about luck is, it's hardly ever extraordinary. Impressive, perhaps.

Well, in any case, despite my lapses in judgment, I feel that I have adequately made up for anything I may have done in the past.

I hurt someone's feelings. In return, I've been on the other side plenty of times to know exactly how it feels, and never have I ever intentionally hurt someone. Nor do I think I've actually had that many chances to do so.

I hooked up with someone inappropriate... but only slightly. They were really only inappropriate because I'm a girl, and that means when other girls find out, the claws come out and they like to remind me how they used to date him back in the sandbox, or how they once shared a meaningful look, and that's why I'm not allowed near him forever, unless they grant me special permission, which they won't. To make up for this, I inadvertently bring people together at my expense. I make a poor, but fun, decision--> word travels because that's just the way it always happens --> I get shit for it for days, weeks even --> I bring two people who should have been together anyway together. One must wonder, without my temporary sluttiness, would they have gotten together in such a timely manner? It's questionable, certainly. '

So why fucking be a bitch about it? Something about me seems to make it easy for these girls to be mean to me. If it were reversed, I am pretty sure that it would not be the same situation. I would be shunned for thinking that I had any right to be possessive, or angry.

Whatever. I guess that's what I get for being nice, or at the very least, nicer than some of these girls can be.

I believe in fairness. Last summer, I had fun for a week with someone I didn't even think I had a chance with. It was refreshing, but short-lived. I knew it was short-lived, I just didn't know that it would come to an abrupt end because of my best friend. Classic teen movie scenario--boy meets girl, boy meets girl's best friend, boy likes girl's best friend a little better... But that was just bizarre, and in any case, months later it was back to square 1 for an hour or so.

Sooooo.....


What is my point? I have no idea. I'm just writing about pseudo-problems because that is honestly what blogging is for. Not even CNN cares about actual things more than they do about Lebron, so why should I? This is for my self-pitying, my self-indulgence, my self.

And people I hope are reading. Like that boy.


Hi,

I don't understand you.

Goodbye.

Irony how I love/hate you.

this is insanity. It is the last Saturday of vacation, and I have an all day track meet. I feel congested and exhausted. Definitely should have joined bowling.

First day of a new year

Bidding farewell to 2009, welcoming 2010. Ahh, I do love even years.
The first day of a new year!!!! Resolutions? Uncertain. However, I do promise to entertain more adamant thoughts of self respect.

swc

swc
Originally uploaded by halosangel

another year!!!
january - blah
february - blah
march- bnlah
april = dec .... blah!! hooray it is 2010~~!!!!!